dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
