She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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