Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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