Rock
Scissors
Fuck
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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