I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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