FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
