Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
are you so shy because you have an std?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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