I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
