Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I touched a dick in church today
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
