my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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