I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize