There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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