On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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