just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
