P.S. I can't hear my feet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
