last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
