new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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