Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
