VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
