First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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