My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
