my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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