Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
