Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
