I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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