He uses pillows to masturbate.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
