I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize