Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
