I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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