fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
