In the future we'll all be gay
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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