paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
