The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
