If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
