Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
