Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
