I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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