I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
