If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
