so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
