Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
