I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
