and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
