Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
