My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
