My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
