The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
