i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize