Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
