i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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