I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
