I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize