Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize