Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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