Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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