He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
