so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
